Children That Test The Boundaries

How do we learn? We either make a mistake ourself and learn not to do it again or we watch others make mistakes and learn not to copy them. Children pushing the boundaries fall into the first category whilst exploring for themselves what they can and can’t get away with. Children pushing your boundaries can do dangerous things, say horrible words or be generally difficult be around. Here are my 5 top tips for coping with a child pushing all your boundaries.

1.What exactly are your boundaries

Boundaries are subjective. We all have them but everyone’s are different. They consist of what you are willing and not willing to tolerate. Boundaries can change, be influenced or remain fixed and rigid depending on what action or behaviour is presented. For example, for me being hit is a firm boundary, I don’t tolerate being hit by a child however a child not wanting to eat their greens is personally not behaviour that I find intolerable. Some parents have no issue with their child swearing and some have a big issue with it. Some let their children drink fizzy drinks and others don’t. Every parent is different. However if you find your child is really pushing your boundaries and you are feeling frustrated constantly it may be time to look deeply into the boundaries you set and try to understand where they come from and if they are completely necessary or if they are just causing you added stress, frustration and unhappiness. All of the boundaries you hold will have come from somewhere in your life. It’s helpful to know why you feel strongly about it in order to decide whether it is still useful, is it there for the child’s best interest or for yours?

2.ACT technique

When a child has pushed your boundary it’s important for them to now learn that their behaviour is NOT okay and isn’t tolerated. This technique is used regularly in child therapy to ensure boundaries remain intact in a therapeutic setting. Developed by Landreth (2012), ACT stands for Acknowledge, Communicate and Target. Let’s use my boundary of hitting and apply the ACT technique.

A-Acknowledge the intention/feeling/wish of the child

“I can see that you’re really angry right now”

C-Communicate your limit

“but I am NOT for hitting”

T-Target an alternative

“You can choose to rip up the magazine or hit the pillow”

This technique is concise and to the point. There is no extra punishment or long worded explanation of why their behaviour is not okay, it is simple. Acknowledge the child’s feeling, say your boundary and then offer a choice that is theirs to make avoiding any ‘yes or no’ response questions. When targeting an alternative it is important to make sure the choices you give them reflect how they feel. If a child is angry and hitting, the options of hitting a pillow and ripping up a magazine stills lets them release their anger in a way that is tolerable. If you give the same child the options of either sitting in the corner in silence or saying sorry, then the options are not going to seem very appealing to the child who might just continue to hit. We are not stopping the emotion, only guiding it into a more tolerable behaviour.

3.Explore the underlying need

Sometimes children know your boundaries very well. They know what time their bedtime is, they know they shouldn’t hit their sibling and they are well aware of any consequences to their behaviour however they STILL DO IT. Why is this kid constantly doing the opposite of what I say and always pushing the boundary?! Usually there is an underlying want or need that needs to be met. It might be that they want some extra attention or they might be in a silly, high energy mood and finding it funny. There are endless things that a child may need. I tend to find a common factor is lots of energy and not enough attention. If a child is finding it funny and seems to be thriving on the attention, try take them to the park and play tag or think of any other energy burning game a kid can play inside.

4.Allow them to learn

The very reason a child pushes the boundaries is to learn, so let them! Children will meet people from all walks of life with different ideas of how a person should act and behave. A lot of them will make it very known if your child steps out of line and that’s okay. Learning to socialise with the world involves absorbing different people’s opinions as the child starts to build up a picture of the fundamental rights and wrongs of the society they live in. The only way a child can learn this is to push boundaries and see what the reactions are. Some reactions, you and your child will not agree with, and some reactions you may think are fair. When your child next pushes your boundaries, try see it as a natural opportunity for a lesson.

5.Guide them into the latter category

At the start of this blog I mentioned that we learn in two ways, we either learn from our own mistakes, or we learn from other’s mistakes. If your child is trying to do something that pushes your boundary it can be helpful to remind them of a time when someone else did it and faced the consequences. For example a kid the other day wanted to light the fireplace, I didn't feel comfortable as he isn’t my child and I’d rather keep risks to a minimum when working, so instead I told him that the last time I lit a fire I hurt myself as it gets very hot and it’s better to wait for his mummy and daddy to do it with him. Sometimes kids even need a gentle reminder of the consequences they faced themselves to remind them not to push the boundary again!

Thanks for reading! If you have any questions or topics you would like me to discuss in future blogs please do send an email to nannyemmyquestions@gmail.com