Losing A Grandparent: Collective Grief and Parenting
I remember losing my last grandparent when I was 16. Cancer’s such an asshole one grandparent wasn't enough, it took all of them. I don’t remember how I processed my grief but I know that my attendance to school was low and my mental health was even lower. I don’t think I entirely comprehended what it must have been like for my parents to lose their own parents. I was young and the idea of losing something so necessary and fundamental to my life just didn't seem possible. Throughout my late teens, I had slowly come to the realisation that one day the inevitable and unstoppable will happen. I will lose the people I love around me, and eventually the people I love around me, will lose me. Gosh such a dreary thought to contemplate but it’s true.
The experience of losing a parent is unique to everyone’s story. Your relationship with your parents is personal and a whole array of emotions can appear upon their death- sadness, despair, anger, relief, happiness. There is no right or wrong. I don’t want to give advice on how to cope with losing a parent, I still have both of mine and have no idea how I will react until it happens. I would rather use this blog to express my acceptance of people that have been through or are going through this difficult time and to offer some ideas for helping children navigate their own loss.
Transitioning into the oldest generation whilst trying to keep it together for your kids is beyond challenging. Your children will no doubt be individually coping with the loss of their grandparent. They will also be experiencing an array of emotions as they process their grief and if they are old enough, they will be trying to keep it together for you and any younger family members. Supporting your kids through this time can be emotionally draining and difficult so I have come up some simple ways to ease the grieving process for your child that will also benefit you.
A Physical Place to Process
To kids and a lot of adults, death is merely a concept. We don’t actually see it, it is not tangible. One day a person just simply disappears and we are told they died. Humans process these intangible concepts by attaching meaning to physical things in the real world. Planting a tree is both great and comforting. Ensuring a focal point for your grief. Somewhere to pinpoint all your emotions and thoughts about your loss and feel comforted by the idea of being in the presence of your beloved parent.
Observe Their Playing
It can be difficult to truly grasp the effect of death upon a young child. They can’t articulate verbally how they experience their emotions, but thankfully there is another way children communicate. Play. When playing with your child, let them lead. Be curious as to the characters they become, how they interact with their toys and what topics they bring into the play scene. They will be subliminally communicating their thoughts and feelings to you, and you will be able to communicate back in the world of play. One child I worked for lost his nan and a common theme brought up in his play world was death in a game of doctors. The doctor (child) in the game would never save the patient (me) and the patient would always have to die. Whilst playing this game I was able to ‘act out’ grief and display coping strategies for death in a light hearted, playful way.
Any Emotion Is Okay
You may be unbelievably sad dealing with the loss of your parent and your kid just seems fine, self-absorbed and unhelpful through your grief. Or they may be completely devastated and you who felt relief when your parent died feels betrayed by their sadness. Being on two completely different wavelengths in your grief is not uncommon. Accept whatever emotions they decide to feel.
Think of your parent/s. Think back to a time with them that made you happy, a time that made you sad, a time that made you proud and a time that made you feel safe or unsafe. Your parents made you who you are today. Cherish those memories both the good and the bad as they are all apart of you. However you and your children cope with their loss is completely accepted and understood.
Thanks for reading! If you have any questions or topics you would like me to discuss in future blogs please do send an email to nannyemmyquestions@gmail.com
