Parenting A Teen: The Battle Of Control

I’m sure most people are fully aware that a teenager’s brain is hardwired for seeking independence. They are attempting to establish an identity and forge out a path separate from the family unit. Fair enough. But why do they have to be so horrible about it sometimes?

As teenagers are discovering who they are as an individual, many exhibit what is known as an external locus of identity. This is a concept in which a person’s behaviour and actions are heavily shaped by external factors rather than internal ones. In other words, a teenager is more likely to seek validation from others than seek it from within themselves and therefore their behaviours are mostly shaped by wanting to meet other people’s expectations and views. This is why teenagers are more likely to experience peer pressure, do similar things to their peers or feel insecure about the way they look when they scroll social media models as they want to meet other people’s expectations and standards. Pair this with an undeveloped prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain associated with good-decision making) and BAM… you have a generic recipe for risky behaviour, bad habits, disrespectful language and poor choices. Of course there are many other biological and environmental factors at play for our children so do keep that in mind while we explore some the most common battles parents have with their teens.

1.Risky Behaviours

The severity of risky behaviours varies hugely depending on each child. It is the teenagers with the ‘I don’t care’ stance that seems to cause the most stress for parents. I’ve recently heard of teenagers very nonchalantly talking to strangers online, having unprotected sex and meeting friends at the park late at night. All which have been met with a shrug and unbothered attitude. I truly feel for any parents in this position as you feel unable to reason with your child as saying NO is met with secrecy and creeping behind your back to do it anyway.

A common theme of learning for all humans, is that we either have to feel the consequences of actions ourselves, or we have to witness others actions in order to learn. You can hammer home that ‘walking alone at night is risky’ however a child can’t fully acknowledge or comprehend the severity of that advice unless they themselves have an experience or witness the effects of that on another person. When I meet a teenager who partakes in risky behaviours and they disclose risky behaviours to me, I often share my own experiences with it so they can learn. For example, “Oh yeah, no I used to go out to the park at night too, but then my friend had a scary experience with a stranger and we decided it’s not worth it, but my dad had a shed so we could always go there which is cool”. The more you surround your teenager with differing opinions and experiences the more it will shape their own opinions due to the external locus of identity as mentioned above. This building of opinions and experiences is not meant to be just from a parent. Environment matters and having trustworthy people around you who will be able to also share their experiences is beyond helpful. Sometimes this comes from teachers, babysitters, older friends, grandparents or youth mentors; it is everybody’s job to guide young people down a good path. Ultimately though, the risky behaviours a child makes is on them and sometimes there is nothing you can do but patiently be supportive and see how it plays out. You are 100% not alone in your sleepless nights and heightened anxiety in worry for your child.

2.Bad Habits

With risky behaviours often comes the exploration of drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, vapes and gambling etc. Some may see their close friend circles try it and therefore the curiosity spreads. One parent I spoke with recently found cigarette butts hidden in a plant pot outside and a vape in the inside pocket of a school bag but when they asked their 14 year old daughter “Do you smoke at all?”, their sweet child looked them dead in the eye and straight up lied. The risk of confrontation is that your child will no longer partake in bad habits around the home, rather they will simply do it elsewhere which is much worse if your goal is to be supportive. One way to connect with your child here is to identify the issue, be supportive, give an alternative opinion and find out the external influence.

“I found those cigarette butts and vape so I know you’ve tried smoking, but it’s okay, I used to smoke sometimes too, even now when I drink I’ll probably end up having one, but I hate the smell it leaves on my fingers and eventually I ended up hating them. You don’t have to hide it from me, I don’t like it at all and won’t give you money towards it, but I won’t stop you if it’s nothing to worry about. Does anyone else smoke in your group?”

By no means are we agreeing with the behaviour, in fact clearly stating the opposite, however keeping the behaviour transparent to you rather than hiding and smoking elsewhere will keep you informed and knowledgable of how bad the habits are and if they start to develop into other things. The more aware you are, the more you can help subtly guide their actions.

3.Disrespectful Language

“You’re so F***ing unfair, I didn’t ask to be born and if I was I wish it wasn't to you!”… Meanwhile one parent is hanging up their laundry and taking the water cups from their room and the other is out at work to afford the holidays and phones. Honestly the entitlement is sometimes laughable because if you don’t laugh you run risk of crying. Disrespectful language is so hurtful because unlike the bad habits, risky behaviours and poor choices, this is completely directed at you. It’s like being bullied in your own home and as much as people say ‘discipline your child!’, sometimes it’s just not that easy depending on your situation. Some children respond very well to discipline like confiscating phones or pocket money, however some children lash out and the relationship is torn further apart by constant arguing and harmful more behaviours.

My usual go to when working is to completely brush it off and absolutely pretend I didn’t hear it. Teenagers can be (not all of them) quite ego driven and self-absorbed. They get an ego kick by bringing you down, especially when it seems like they genuinely enjoy saying horrible things. I literally blank it, don’t even acknowledge it and continue as normal. A lot of the power is instantly removed, however if something is asked from me later on in the day then I will always acknowledge it but not start a conversation about it…. “How you spoke to me earlier was disgusting, I will still take you to football, let’s get your stuff”. This is a technique that tends to work for me but every child is different and it can be hard to remain consistent with discipline techniques when your own child is affecting your self-worth by constantly bullying you.

4.Poor Choices

The prefrontal cortex (involved in good-decision making) only fully matures by mid-late 20s so teenagers are prone to making poor choices. As with risky behaviours, teenagers have to learn through experience themselves or through learning the experience of others. It’s painful to sit back and watch your child make poor choices but sometimes constant reminding and lecturing only leads to arguments and more poor choices.

5.Only Do What You Can

Learning to be an adult requires failures. We can only guide them up to a certain extent and after that there comes a point where trusting the process of growing up is your only option. As scary as that is, you are not alone. There are so many parents that sit at home wondering what else they can try, at their wits end, blaming their parenting styles. I know lots of teenagers who engage in challenging behaviours and I know lots of adults who have grown into very decent and respectable human beings despite being those teenagers. Put your boundaries in, recognise the discipline that works for you and be the best guide you can be. You’re doing a great job and I know It’s hard but you’ll get there. Use the people around you to help out if you need a break to recover and don’t lose yourself in this. You got it.

All the best,

Nanny Emmy

Thanks for reading! If you have any questions or topics you would like me to discuss in future blogs please do send an email to nannyemmyquestions@gmail.com