It can often feel like there is nothing more exhausting, more patience draining or more deflating than an over-tired child. Tired kids contain BIG emotions and soothing them can be a challenge as nothing you do is quite right which leads to more crying and screaming. Take last night for instance, I was working with a very tired child, she wanted to play hide and seek and immediately ran under her bed, she then realised that I hadn’t even had the chance to count and was still in the room. “YOU KNOW WHERE I’M HIDING” she screamed. This led to many tears but we decided to try again and this time I ran out to count, I started counting…1, 2, 3- ”YOU HAVE TO WAIT TILL I SAY GO!” she scream-cried some more. So I waited and when she tearfully said GO I proceeded to look for her. When I found her under her bed (after playfully looking in other places first) she went into full blown meltdown “YOU KNEW WHERE I WAS AND FOUND ME!”. Anything I did was wrong, anything her sister did was wrong and taking the situation back to a calm evening took time but we got there in the end and here is how…

1.Create a Calm Space

Recognise that your child is in a pickle of emotions. They can’t seem to express themselves and everything you do is met with BIG emotional reactions. This is your chance in your head to say “okay, my child can’t control their emotions right now, all I can do is control mine and let them learn”. Take a deep breath and be calm and present throughout the screaming/crying. If your child is struggling to contain their emotions, then there is no space for you to ALSO lose control of yours. Kindness and patience will dramatically decrease the time it takes for a child to calm down and regulate themselves again.

2.Let Them Cry It Out For A Bit

Do you ever get that dull, numb feeling after you’ve had a good cry? It’s almost like a new leaf has been turned and you feel somewhat placid. This numbness is due to the internal self-care mechanisms our amazing body triggers when we feel emotionally overwhelmed. The heart rate increases but our breathing gets slower which is why you can’t physically continue a hard tearful meltdown for long before you start feeling a bit dizzy or experience head fog. Your body releases oxytocin and endorphins when you cry which are mood enhancing chemicals and without saying a single word your body is physically communicating with those around you to let them know that you need soothing. Crying is an amazing bodily function! Toddlers and young children are still learning how to navigate their emotional world so they get overwhelmed a lot, hence they cry a lot. Crying is not a bad thing, it’s a necessary thing so being kind, patient and present while letting a child cry it out is the best way to handle a tearful situation.

3.What Not To Say

There are a few unhelpful phrases that I have learned to stay away from! These phrases have been tried and tested on many different children and they NEVER work! They always seem to make the crying/meltdown situation worse, so here they are. The first is “you’re tired”. Any mention that the child is tired is usually a trigger for further crying “I’M NOT TIRED!” is the usual response. The way I like to compare this phrase is if you’re annoyed at your partner about something, you bring it up and tell them what’s wrong but they turn around and go “well someone’s on their period!” The audacity to undermine a very genuine feeling by using the excuse of a period, how dare they!.. This is, what I imagine, a child feels when we say “oh I think somebody’s a bit tired”. Yes being tired doesn’t help, but there is no point bringing it up, the child feels overwhelmed so try focus on that rather than their tiredness. Another phrase I stay away from is “Okay well it’s bedtime then”. Any mention of bedtime during a big cry will further ignite the meltdown as a child doesn't want to go to bed. The crying will naturally make them tired anyway making it easier to direct a child to bed with books and cuddles AFTER the cry rather than during it.

4.Listen To What They Want

There’s always a reason behind the meltdown. Whether the reason is ridiculous or not is another matter! I’ve been witness to the biggest meltdowns over the colour of a cup to the sharpness of a pencil, to the feeling of a hat. It is usually ridiculous. The easiest option is to fulfil the request before the meltdown… a little something I like to call meltdown avoidance. If your kid is asking for a particular colour cup and that cup is in the cupboard, just get it! What is simple to you is not simple to the child and the fact that they have the blue cup instead of the green one can be overwhelming. Sometimes what the child wants cannot be given. This is when a possible meltdown will occur as the child is learning to navigate the not so delightful feeling of not getting what they want (a feeling they will experience an awful lot in life!). As a meltdown unfolds the child may ask for things that will calm them down; a toy, a drink, some snacks. These can be listened to and acted upon to help your child. Sometimes they may continue to ask for things that can’t be given and this is when giving a choice comes in handy. “Okay there is no ice cream now, but I do have chocolate rice cakes or oat biscuits, you pick one and we can sit and watch a cartoon together.” Feeling listened to during a difficult time will make the child feel soothed and they can start to calm down quicker.

5. Find Soothers

Favourite teddies, blankets, dummies. Provide your child with the items they feel safe around. Children learn very early on that a mother and/or father cannot 100% always be around to soothe every issue or be 100% connected to them at all times. This is completely healthy and normal as a child needs to learn how to self-soothe themselves in life when they are overwhelmed with emotion. Children therefore naturally establish other physical soothers external to the mother or father that they can rely on. These external soothers then become great tools that parents can use to help calm a child down! Tired children benefit from their soothers to help bring calmness and eventually sleep, which in turn will let the parents finally get some sleep too!

Thanks for reading! If you have any questions or topics you would like me to discuss in future blogs please do send an email to nannyemmyquestions@gmail.com