"Should I be worried about my daughter (5 years old) being in a relationship?!”

The joys of young love. I do love listening to children’s stories when they speak of their multiple boyfriends or girlfriends. The breakups, the drama and the promise of being together forever and ever. I was working with a 4 year old boy recently who has two girlfriends, but one of them he likes more, but he still wants to marry them both… although he still finds girls completely “yucky!”. The hilarious similarities in child relationships to some I see in the adult world always makes me smile when listening to their relationship stories.

So at what point should an adult intervene… if intervene at all? Let’s have a look at some key ideas surrounding the relationships of children.

1. Learning

   Children are like tiny, very absorbent sponges and they practise everything there is to know about life through the language of play. Just the same as children practise family dynamics in games pretending to be family members, they will also practise being in romantic relationships through exploring boyfriends and girlfriends. They copy what they see in the real world and explore it for themselves. Rather than see the relationship as a negative thing, it is helpful to remember that you too were once exploring relationships and no doubt had a boyfriend/girlfriend or got all giddy around a particular classmate and joked about it with your friends. Exploring relationships in the world of play is completely healthy and helps to build the foundation of what a relationship could look like in the future.

2. It’s Getting Too Sexual

   One of the consequences of children being absorbent, sponges is that they don’t just absorb the good stuff in the world. They also absorb the inappropriate and sometimes abusive things too. A naive, cheeky kiss here and there and hugs followed by giggles and running away is not something that would need my interference. Questioning about private parts and even curiously looking is also incredibly common just out of pure curiosity as to the differences in bodies. But safeguarding your child/any child is absolutely top priority so if your child is telling you that their new boyfriend/girlfriend is acting in an overly sexual way or you notice behaviour differences in your child that may indicate something is not quite right, it is always best to be curious and ask questions.

   Get to know the other child’s parents, get to know the other child and invite them round for playdates. This will give you the chance to be more observant and give you the chance to talk to the other parents if you suspect something needs to be addressed. Often the children are simply exploring their bodies and just need a little redirecting and reminding of their private parts but there are some cases when actually a child may have experienced/witnessed or be experiencing sexual violence and this is reflected in their overly sexual/aggressive behaviour in the relationship.

3. Very Innocent

   Being in a relationship as a child is as innocent as it gets. They are most likely copying patterns of relationships they see in the adult world around them especially with their own parents. Most of the time there is absolutely nothing to be worried about and most of the weirdness is actually you having to accept that your child is kissing boys/girls and learning how to be a little adult. It’s scary and a big developmental milestone when they start practising relationships because they are essentially practising not needing you anymore and relying on other significant people. Of course they’re only young, so this is all playful practise, but that can be a hard pill for parents to swallow who see their child growing up so fast.

   All you can really do is let them be, allow them to learn, be a positive and warm guidance for them whilst being mindful of any safeguarding concerns. Don’t worry, you’re doing a great job!

Thanks for reading! If you have any questions or topics you would like me to discuss in future blogs please do send an email to nannyemmyquestions@gmail.com