Oh the joys of an angsty teenager fighting for her love despite the better judgement of her parents. This topic has arisen from a reader who finds their daughter’s boyfriend, quite frankly unbearable, so today we are going to discuss how to go about managing this situation.

1. Keep Yourself Separate

   As much as you may find this boyfriend lazy, manipulative or down right bad news for your daughter, this is a decision SHE is making. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will change her mind if she has fallen in love, so all you can do is go along with it and support her decisions. You don’t have to agree with all the things she does but being supportive is key, especially if your intuitions about this guy are true. The more you push her away and fight her about this relationship, the less she will be inclined to open up and seek comfort if things do break down or turn nasty.

2. Let The Lessons Happen Naturally

   I learnt so much from my first love. How to respect myself, how I never want to be treated and things I could have done better. These are things I had to learn for myself through experience by making my own mistakes with a boyfriend of 2 years that cheated on me with different girls. Your daughter may be making a mistake yes, but as you let it unfold this mistake may be what she needs to learn. You may want to say “This guy is horrible for you, he just sits around smoking weed and playing video games, it’s affecting your grades, you could do so much better etc”. But to your daughter those words are empty as she does not FEEL they are true. She loves him and your words only put a barrier between you and her, rather than him and her. She needs to feel those words to be true for herself and the only way that can happen is by experiencing it herself.

3. Be A Parent Not A Friend

One tactic often used is to be so chill about it that boundaries don’t exist. Absolutely welcome this guy into your family and be supportive of them (regardless of your own opinion), however sleeping around your house constantly to the point of practically moving in, ditching school and starting bad habits is not at all cool. With teenagers it is all about gentle boundaries. They want to fight for independence and control of their own lives but you still need to guide them. This is a complicated and fragile state as arguments can flair up which inevitably leads to you having less control of their actions. Picking your battles is key. “I don’t like James coming round every day as I love the time I get with you when we hang out and we haven’t done that in so long. Plus it’s probably good to spend a few days of the week studying! He can sleep round once a week and can bring his Xbox to plug into the TV so you can play your games together. Which day shall we make it?”. This response is both boundary setting and supportive. At the end of the day you still want to make sure your child is being healthy and striving towards a positive future so don’t feel guilty when you set a boundary, especially if that boundary is met with backlash.

It is a horrible position to be in when you notice your child behaving differently because of a boyfriend. Perhaps they argue back more, or have let their always good grade slip. Maybe they’ve started vaping and have developed an all round lazy and entitled attitude. I can tell you that you are not alone at all. There are so many parents who suffer with not knowing what to say or do in this situation for fear of pushing their child away more. As hard as it is, try to avoid putting all the blame on the boyfriend, he is young and making his own mistakes too. Your daughter has decided this is the person she wants to be with so for now you can only respect that and try to be supportive whilst keeping your boundaries present.

All the best, it does get better,

Nanny Emmy

Thanks for reading! If you have any questions or topics you would like me to discuss in future blogs please do send an email to nannyemmyquestions@gmail.com